Life Lessons from My Senior Dog

It feels like a betrayal to acknowledge when you can see the end of the road.

I know I’m reaching the point where I’ve exhausted every option: when there are no more meds to try, no more exercises for her PT routine, no more mobility aids or food adjustments or lifestyle changes will make any difference.

Every time I look at her and realize our time is almost up, I can’t help but start to cry. I look at her and I can’t believe it’s the same dog. She’s been by my side for almost 10 years. That’s 10 years of love and walks and treats and squeaky toys and pup cups.

But some days, she looks so tired. She still has her spark, but you can just tell that things are so much harder than they used to be. I miss her, but I still have her. I don’t know what to do with that feeling.

When you grieve, even preemptively, I think it’s hard not to think of all the other hurts you hold in your heart. I start to think about her and then I think about my grandparents or my friend or my childhood dogs. Everything in me wants to turn it all off and forget about it and not travel these neural pathways that lead me to grieve every loss in my life all over again.

I just want her for as long as I can have her. It’s like I’m paddling down a slow-moving river toward the edge of a cliff, and I’m paddling as hard as I can to slow it down or stop it altogether. But it’s inevitable.

I know losing her will break me. Probably more than any other loss I’ve experienced. I know it’ll radically change me. I don’t think I’ll be able to recognize myself for a long time. Or maybe, eventually, I will grow into this new person, one who is sad but also still undeniably intertwined with her and also able to love in spite of loss.

I’m not sure how I will survive it. I know I’m staring down so much pain, and yet I made this choice anyways. It feels stupid that I ever asked for this. But I know without this, there wouldn’t have been the 10 years of joy and delight and excitement and growth I got to have with her.

I would make the same choice all over again, in spite of it all.